favorite memory from when i was a baby

I was occupying myself with various toys when I looked up and saw a child playing with my same toys. She was also adorned in the same onesie I had on. This made me curious. I hurled one of my books at her and she did the same to me! At exactly the same time! As if she had anticipated my action. I crawled to her and again she mimicked me. We were now face to face, we sat up, clapped our hands. I wasn’t sure what to do next. She seemed so insistent on being just like me. It made me feel awkward. I began to talk to her. Every question I asked, she asked at the same time. Though I can’t recall that I actually heard her voice, I could read her lips. I think perhaps my voice drowned hers out. Out of the corner of my eye I saw my mother with her camera. She likes to take photos of me. Usually when I’m with someone else in the photo she likes me to kiss them. So I decided to kiss my new friend. She was very cold and very hard. Her face felt flat. But we both laughed and kissed again and clapped our hands. Then mother’s film ended and she put down the camera and took me to change my diaper. My friend and I waved farewell. Her mother took her too.

The Young Life, The Good Life

Three things I miss most about being a kid:

1. Soft Bones:
I’ve never broken a bone but I’ve always wanted to. Well, I mostly just wanted the cast, but they wouldn’t give me a cast without a broken bone.
Casts are the best because you can get cool patterns or colors and then all your friends can sign it and draw pictures.
I did sprain my wrist once, and I made my friends sign my wrap thing. It was a disaster; it was like writing on a sock and the ink bled through and stuff. Plus, every time I re-wrapped my wrist I got frustrated trying to wrap it the exact same way so that all the names could be seen.
I know I could probably still break a bone as an adult, but its not as likely. Kids are more apt to break bones because of their soft bones, mine are all hard and set in place. I’m not even growing anymore so its not like my bones are stretching and susceptible.
And I take vitamins with calcium; so don’t even try to tell me I still have a chance.

2. Falling Asleep in the Car and Being Carried to Bed:
This is by far the BEST thing about being a kid. I used to take full advantage of this perk.
Sometimes I would pretend to be asleep just because I didn’t want to walk up the stairs to my room.
Then one night my parents just left me in the car. They parked the car, got out, and went into the house; leaving me in the backseat to get stolen like some tricked out speaker system.
You can imagine my dismay when I awoke to find myself in a dark, empty car. I lied there, confused and scared. Then I became angry with my parents for abandoning me and decided that I was going to steal the car. But when I got to the drivers seat I found out that evidently cars need keys in order to work.
So I gave up and carried myself to my bed. This is the moment when I realized I was an adult.
Sometimes I try to go back to that happy time, but my friends here at college leave me in their cars as well.

3. Loose Teeth:
There's no feeling like a loose tooth, and I miss that feeling. It’s this sense of controlled vulnerability. I had all the power to decide when I wanted to wiggle that tooth and how hard.
Plus it was a great distraction when I was in boring situations, like math class. I would sit there and play this game called "How Far Can I Push My Tooth With My Tongue Before I Yell Out Loud." My high score was a 120-degree angle.
The best thing about this class distraction is that it was allowed. I couldn't get in trouble for playing with my tooth. What were they gonna do? Confiscate my tooth and then give it back to me at the end of class? Nope, my plaything was inside my mouth and no one but me was allowed to take it out.
But now, with all my permanent teeth grown in, I've been forced to use man made distractions like cell phones and ipods. It’s terribly inconvenient. I always drop them and I’m scared they’ll be confiscated.
I wish I could keep my cell phone and ipod in my mouth, but then I’d bite them and they’d break.

Me being left to sleep upside down in the backseat.
No one even had the decency to fix my head from being crushed.

Mobile Telephones

I’m pretty behind on technology. Usually it’s my own fault. I definitely protested CD’s, DVD’s, microwaves, and cell phones in my rebellious teenage years. I thought I was so smart, rewinding my VHS tapes, heating up my ravioli on the stove, and other archaic things like that. I figured new technology was all a fad, and fads had broken my heart in the past. Case in point: furbies.

But I soon set aside my Matrix influenced paranoia of technology take-over and succumbed to the powers. My change of heart began when the stove got mad at me and set off the fire alarm; it was all microwaves after that (I still don’t stand in front of them though, I don’t want to be radiated). Little by little, the attraction to new technologies overcame me like waves, similar to ocean waves, sound waves, and amber waves of grain. And I finally gave in and bought myself a CD. To my credit, I didn't jump in head first. It was a Clash CD. I felt like it was a good segue to listen to late 70's music on 90's technology.

It wasn’t until the summer of 2009, however, that I finally got one of those cell phones with the camera, ring tones, video recording, and all those wonderful features. It’s like a virtual Swiss army knife except you access tools by pushing buttons. And I love pushing buttons almost as much as I love pushing envelopes. So I now think cell phones are pretty swell, so swell in fact that I suggest that we start calling them Swell Phones.

My favorite tool on my swell phone is the audio recording tool. And if these phones are like Swiss army knives, then the audio recording feature is like the corkscrew because it pops open bottles of bubbly for my ears.

But what do I record, you ask? Do I hold my phone to the radio speakers in order to get my fave new tunes for free? No. I buy my music like a good American consumer. You dirty pirates.

I record conversations. Now before you go lookin’ me up and down with wide condescending eyes, let me at least defend myself. I know that its not “conventional,” that its not “mainstream,” and that it could be considered borderline “invasion of privacy.” But there are many reasons why I may record a conversation, and I think they are all very legitimate reasons. So jump aboard my train as we head to the Justification Station. Choo-Choo!

If I am recording our conversation it is due to one or more of the following:

1. I’m a spy: a cross between Sherlock and Harriet
2. I’m doing social experiments: this is the closest I can get to being a real scientist
3. I’m planning on blackmailing you
4. I need new ring tones, and I think your speaking voice is lovely
5. I’m studying dialects
6. I think what you’re talking about is ridiculous and I’m planning on having one of my friends listen to it later: this is much easier than trying to re-enact the whole thing using finger quotes and finger parenthetical citations (I’m a big advocate of MLA)

So, now you’re warned. If you see me fiddling with my swell phone while you’re talking, I might be recording our conversation. You have to admit, though, at least it’s much better than me taking secret pictures of you and twittering them.

Hagee and His Cameras

John Hagee came to speak to our school this week, and after much delegated research and eavesdropping, I found out that he's a big deal.

So I decided to NOT skip these chapel sessions. Whether or not this decision was based on Hagee's "big deal-ness" or on the fact that we were all blackmailed to go (if we skipped it would count as a class AND a chapel absence) is irrelevant.

First Impressions:
- He sounded a hint like Sean Connery without the accent
- I wondered where I could get other art pieces from the illustrator of his large Revelations Chart
- When the lights blew out, I thought Hagee was tricking us into thinking the Apocalypse had begun
- SAGU's camera crew is better than his camera crew.
- Why are my classmates on the overhead screens?

This fifth first impression really shook me to my core. (I haven’t been doing my core strengthening exercises lately.) We never have shots of the audience on the big screens, with the exception of behind shots of people dancing in the aisles during worship. But this wasn't worship time; this was Hagee time.

But there they were, two men unashamedly walking around the room with a camera getting all up in everyone’s grill. Didn’t they know they were being incredibly distracting? It was very hard to pay attention to Hagee as well as keep an eye on those mysterious men. And a message about the apocalypse is not something you want to zone in and out of or you’ll hear things like, “The church of Laodicea is going to send fire horses on the 1/3 frogs still living on the lakes asteroids and John and the pregnant woman will pour bowls on witnesses.”

Anyway, at first I giggled at seeing my peers holding their breath and trying to pretend that the camera was not uncomfortably positioned two inches from their face. And I had decided that if the cameras came near me I was going to look directly into the lens.

Then I was informed: This session was being broadcasted on television to the entire nation!
You see, audience footage is very important in videos that will be viewed in the present or future (or past, if you own a time machine). People watching at home are just itching to know what the real life audience looks like; these are the shots that really date videos. It’s the hair-do's, fashion, and glasses frames, they really give away the decade the video was shot. With those shots of the students at our school, people at home will be able to think that the sessions were filmed in the 60's, we love our teased bouffants here at SAGU.

As I watched the camera crew coming down the aisles towards me, I realized that this was my chance. My chance to be on national television, get seen by a big time agent who watches religious television, and become famous.

So I quickly assumed "natural intrigued audience member" position.
- Stuffed my ipod and phone into my backpack, threw it on the ground.
- Grabbed my friend's Bible, put it on my lap.
- Pulled out a piece of paper and a pen, scribbled: "I <3 Hagee!" at the top.
- Sat at the edge of my seat
- Put on a soft smile
- Took off my glasses
- Made my eyes gleam
- Then every time Hagee said something witty I giggled and looked side to side

You'd think that I was the exact audience model that the camera crew was looking for. But no, they stopped filming two aisles in front of me then went to the other side of the auditorium. And they never came back.

So I scratched out my "I <3 Hagee!" scribble.